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[Is there a chiropractor in the house?]
AKA: エイケン
Genre: Disturbing sexual *comedy*
Length: OAV series, 2 episodes, 30 minutes each
Distributor: R1 DVD from Media Blasters
Content Rating: 18+ (semi-nudity, continuous sexual innuendo, phallic food products)
Related Series: N/A
Also Recommended: Taking a long cold shower. Not telling me about any anime in a similar vein.
Notes: Based on the manga by Matsuyama Seiji (that masochistic bastard!).

Scenes from this anime are featured prominently in the opening seconds of the infamous fan video "AMV Hell".
Rating: One Star

Eiken

Synopsis

[...]

Densuke is a new student at Zashono Academy. Immediately upon entering, he "accidentally" grabs the breasts of school idol Chiharu, thus being forced to join the notorious Eiken club.

No, it doesn't make any sense to me either.

None at all.


Review

[There really are no words for this.]

Jesus Christ!

This has got to be one of the most exploitative, demeaning anime titles I have ever seen. I ... I am at a loss on where to start describing the total catastrophe that is Eiken. And by Eiken, I mean the anime, though the description is just as aptly suited for the club in this "joyride" of an OAV.

I guess the most obvious thing about Eiken is that it's a show targetted at boob-fetishists of the more ... uh, disturbing kind. I'm saying this because even though most of the cast in Eiken is female -- and all of them most likely schoolgirls -- I have a hard time actually finding any attractive ones among them. The fact that the female members of Eiken all look like girls with monstrous lumps of mutated flesh where their breasts would normally be might have something to do with it. And that includes the girl with an apparent age of ten or so. Yes, ten. If you're curious about what the hell I'm talking about, try to imagine Sasami from Tenchi Muyo. Now, add breasts that practically reach the ground when she walk, and you have said girl in Eiken.

Sexay!

What really freaks me out about that is that whoever drew and animated this thing has really put in the effort to make the breasts move in a somewhat realistic matter. (If realism even enters the picture at all, that is.) Given the ... uh... happenings in this show, there's ... er... ample opportunity for that, which I will describe in more detail later in this review. Or, well ... at least SOME detail, depending on my gag reflexes.

Bottom line is that the show irritates me, and that's a solid understatement. The main character, a certain Densuke, is the dating game archetype to end all dating game archetypes: a loser who longs for an unobtainable girl. He has no spine whatsoever, and he just so "happens to" get into these situations which put him at the mercy of these turbo-hormone / puberty-enhanced girls. (How would you explain the excessive chestage otherwise?) We never get to know WHY he likes this girl, though I think I can guess as to the reasons. And, wouldn't you know, he GETS her at the end. For no damn good reason whatsoever, other than the fact that she wants to stay close to him.

Speaking of the girl, all we know about her is that she's apparently the best student at school. Which is nice, I guess. She's also shy to the point of agonizing non-hilarity of the painful type. And by shy, I mean that she always whispers or stutters, but doesn't seem to mind pressing her breasts towards Densuke's back for whatever reasons are spinning around in that pretty, little head of hers. I guess this is one of those hentai harem anime logical situations that never makes sense otherwise.

And the rest of the Eiken team? Well.... we have the leader -- a brash, obnoxious tomboy -- the young girl -- a Sasami clone with huge breasts -- and the even younger girl, who's only notable because she's the only one seen doing any actual work on anything, plus she doesn't have gigantic knockers that have been inflated to ten times their original size. And, to be honest, I don't know whether I should be relieved about that.... or frightnened about the more sinister reasons for her shortchestedness. If it's alright with you, I'd just leave that train of thought right now, because it's time for the "competition".

You see, the competition is what makes the main bulk of what would otherwise be referred to as "a plot" in just about any normal anime. I'll try to list these in order of appearance, but don't expect me to succeed in that.

First, we have the waterslide, except the water has been replaced with yogurt. The goal of this competition is apparently for four characters to be in constant bodily contact during the entire race down what I hereby dub the "bukkake death race". Since the waterslide is one of the most insane ones I've seen, the race down gets quite hectic, which -- predictably -- leads to grabbing, finger and toe fellatio and lots of yogurt splattered all over. I don't need to remind you what THAT was meant to look like, right?

Later on, we're introduced to the normally innocent sport of bungee jumping. I say "normally", because when you got a chest like the girls in Eiken, bungee jumping just looks painful and stupid.

After that, it's a ... well, I'm not sure, but it involved swimming in a pool filled with perverted eels and eating chocolate penises. And by "eating", I mean "swallowing whole". Yes, the fun never ends, and it's only getting better from here.

Ok, so I lied.

The grand finale is a race down some other waterslide, but this time on big banana boats and thankfully without the yoghurt... which is the only difference between this and the aforementioned "bukkake death race". In other words, there'll be more grabbing and statements of "It hurts, Densuke. It hurts." coming from Chiharu. I know, Chiharu. Watching this hurts me too. You're not alone in your pain.

In short, Eiken is like an hour long nightmare of sexual innuendo of the creepy kind. So, Moonlight Lady has a breast fetish thing going? Hah! It has nothing on Eiken. Divergence Eve, Girls Bravo or... hell... Psychic Academy has girls with somewhat unrealistic proportions? Hah! It has nothing on Eiken. DearS features misogynic elements? Hah! It has nothing on Eiken. Ultimate Girls has phallic imagery? Hah! It has nothing on Eiken.

In other words, Eiken is all that and a bag o' chips, but it still manages to end up in the extreme negatives. Murphy must have had a field day when this anime was made, because you'll never find a bigger collection of "WRONG" anywhere else.

(I.... I just don't know what to say, except AVOID THIS TITLE!) Stig Høgset

Recommended Audience: Are you kidding? While nothing in Eiken can be classified as porn, I am astounded by the sheer volume of sexual imagery contained within. Breasts and pantyshots all over the place, nudity galore (though curiously non-explicit), every food product except ramen is phallic in the extreme. The girls eat bananas in a rather ... suggestive manner. IT NEVER ENDS!



Version(s) Viewed: Prerelease fansub
Review Status: Full (2/2)
Eiken © 2003 GENCO / J.C. Staff
 
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