A bunch of youngsters are sent off to a space station in orbit around the earth to undertake millitary training. (Sort of like in Stellvia.) Then, right out of nowhere, terrorists attack, and it's up to said group of youngsters to save the station.
It's been around.... eight or nine years since I last watched ODIN: Photon Space Sailor Starlight, I think. And while I certainly don't remember what I might have said when it was finished, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I said something along the lines of "Wow! I wonder if anyone will ever make something even worse than this."
If I did, that would certainly explain the teethmarks on my ass.
Seriously. The show is WORSE THAN ODIN! It's nonsensical and tedious, with boring and/or irritating characters, a nearly nonexistant plot which seems to change by the episode and... well, I guess if there's ONE thing Soul Link has over Odin, then that would be that it doesn't rape Norse mythology at any point in the show.
Soul Link is actually based on a game. While one might be liable to put the biggest odds on this being a dating game or something, I'm thinking more of an adventure game, where they eventually took out all the animated cutscenes and pasted them together into 23 minute chunks. That would certainly explain a few things about this show.
Be warned -- well, the entire review is a warning against you people watching this show, but whatever -- I WILL be spoiling pretty much the entire show during the review. If, for some reason, that doesn't sit well with you, just file it under "Stig hates this show" and move on.
The first episodes of this show gave me some rather heavy Stellvia vibes, what with the group of people arriving on a space station with the intention of travelling to what looked for all the world like the world's first kegger in space. This did, like Stellvia, include a healthy mix of boys and girls, which prompted both of the first two episodes to each feature the ol' "whoops, I tripped and accidentally groped your breasts". While that gave me preemptive warning of the quality we could expect from this show, there was just NO CHANCE we would be able to be prepared for what awaited us up there. NONE!
Ok, so that was two episodes in, and no backstory. None. Just people travelling to space and settling in. Fair enough, I guess. Backstory to come soon, or so we thought. Then, training. Still no explanations whatsoever, and then..... TERRORIST ATTACK! RIGHT out of freaking nowhere. (I know that that's how terrorist attacks work. That's not the problem here.) They weren't playing around either. This psycho girl in particular kept running in and BOOM, HEADSHOTted quite a few people straight to the afterlife. "Ok, fine!" I thought, "At least this show's finally getting somewhere. Bring it on!"
After running in and securing a spot in one of the station sections, the terrorists set up camp, bringing in hostages and generally trying to keep the Psycho girl from blowing hostage brainjuice all over the place. (I don't remember her name, ok? In fact, I don't remember the names of ANY of the characters in Soul Link. They were THAT bland.) For the entire episode, we get people running around, either in panic or in arms. Still no explanation whatsoever.
And then, the jello zombies arrive. Jello zombies! Basically, they can grunt and shoot guns, and they can also turn into blue jello when shot at. Then, while my eyeball muscles recover from the cramp caused by continuous eyerolls, absolutely nothing happens.
Then, by episode 7, Cellaria -- that's the commander (I think) of the group goes from being a totally useless, simpering officer to a leather-clad dominatrix villain who laughes evilly every... single... chance... she... gets! And you know what? I didn't see it coming. I admit it. I mean... why the hell should I, as nothing else in this show makes any goddamn sense? Six episodes in this show, and the only thing that has happened is a terrorist attack that miraculously took place shortly after arrival. And does things make sense now? No. I remembered her name, though. I guess that's something.
So, we got jello zombies running around and a bunch of kids trying to keep them at bay, even stop them. This was the point where an event that happened in the former episode gave birth to one of the most heinous deux ex machinae I have EVER seen. I'm talking about the sex scene between two of the characters. Well, not an explicit scene, mind you. I don't really remember whether we ever got to see the... erm, act. My brain was good and numb at that point, so get off my back about it, ok?
Anyway, nothing happens for yet another good while, and all of a sudden, they encounter this young girl. She looks like she's about 12 years old or so, and yes, that's important. She also has one of the most annoying voices I have ever heard in any anime, basically pissing all of us off every single time she opened her mouth. Also, this is the point in the show where the team suddenly starts taking a whole lot of lunch breaks right in the middle of battle, as if the show wasn't already incomprehensible enough.
In an attempt to get some tension built, the people on the "good" side decide it's time for action, so the guy who had his moment with his girlfriend decides it's time he gets captured by the enemy. Or maybe he did that before they found that girl. God, I hate this show. Anyway, people suddenly start moving left and right, and the terrorists suddenly understands they've been had when the jello zombies start appearing left and right. Cue side switch and more heroic sacrifices included in a desperate attempt of igniting SOME response to this show. The young girl continues to be an annoying runt for her entire runtime. More lunchbreaks are had -- Jesus, these people do nothing but eat -- and then... the assault. On the way, they meet up with miss BOOM HEADSHOT, who they promptly forgive for all the people she killed in cold blood. Whatever. Then OFF THEY GO. No real explanations. Just "we must stop her".
And then, we have the last episode. The 12th episode. For ELEVEN episodes, we've had these revelations:
1. There is a space station training cadets.
To pad this out from a 2 episode show to a 12 episode show, there has been eating scenes, tea-drinking scenes, pointless laughing scenes -- in fact, at some point near the end, Cellaria activates the station PA system just so she can laugh evilly through it. Whatever the terrorists wanted seems to have been forgotten AND forgiven, at least by the cast of the show. With all that settled, the show proceeds to pull out its trumph card; the little girl. You remember the girl that I asked you to remember, right? The girl with the freakishly annoying voice that appeared right out of nowhere?
You see, she's actually the biological daughter of the two who had sex in the 6th episode. Apparently, we're supposed to just accept that she grew into a 12 year old girl in a matter of two days at most AND that she has the innate power to neutralize Cellarias powers and kill her. Which she does. Everyone gets back to Earth safe and sound YEY!
I have no words. None. I just... can't process what just happened. Logically, this is impossible. Even by movie-science standards, that's just ridiculous. Not that they bothered EXPLAINING anything, mind you, but for the love of Pete.... THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH! (Which is an ironic statement, all things considered.)
And there you have it. Once, Odin was as bad as it got. Odin spent 90 minutes -- or 135 if you were unlucky enough to find the uncut version -- telling an oversimplified sci-fi story about a bunch of idiots in space. Soul Link did not only surpass that. No, Soul Link stomped it to death, left a solid ass-log on its grave and used the gravestone to wipe the stains off its cheeks. It left me empty and hollow like no other shows has ever done before. And it spent 12 episodes -- that's four and a half hour; TWICE the length of the uncut Odin -- continuously defecating in our faces. Watching Soul Link is like being the victim of some sort of bizarre Nazi experiment held as an attempt to see how much you can take before you crack. I can only thank my synchro buddies that I lived to tell the tale. You know who you are.
Which is more than can be said about this show.
The worst sci-fi show I have ever seen. — Stig Høgset
Recommended Audience: Well, there is an implied sex scene, plus lots of bloody headshots, so this is obviously not for the children. But seriously, do you really want to watch this show?
Version(s) Viewed: digital source.
Review Status: Full (12/12)
Soul Link © 2006, Navel/Soul Link Media Project
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